Random Thoughts

Melancholy

Perhaps the winter of grey skies, light rain and leafless trees has made me such the same as the weather. There is no light to my eyes, no life to my soul, and no colour to my writing. Is this possibly what they call winter depression? Can a solstice impact us in such a way that it deters us from those that we have loved doing and evaporate the flames within us?  How trivial we are. We, whom have resolved to keep all things around us mundane has failed to realise that this effort was predestined to be unsuccessful before it was even conceived. Nature will not allow it.

I have a theory that humans can overcome nature, that we actually have the capabilities but we’ve not been able to unlock it.

The French

Hello everyone,

I have been absent for over a year, for that I owe you my apologies. If you read this then I am truly sorry. If no one does then it shows that I am apologising to myself for not being able to properly commit to this blog. Forgive me, for I needed to heal and change a little. However, I will yet again, try. I believe I should start out by informing about my current situation.

I am currently studying in France, Sciences Po Toulouse, a chain institution set up Monsieur Charles De Gaulle, a man whom I deeply respect for his views and capabilities and what he tried to do. I am here for a year for an exchange and will be returning to UNMC for my 3^rd year of International Relations. I chose this country for I do not understand its people and their views and how it has came to be this way. France is perhaps one of the only veto powered country I do not understand, are they as cowardly as they seem but hold a high façade and ego for they are being protected? Or do they actually have a sort of national identity that holds them together? Surely there are more options but as I said before, I do not understand this country and its people and so I must.

My first week of class has started and I’m afraid it is just as I expected. How very unfortunate for me eh? The system here does not allow for opinions is you are merely a student. A student knows nothing and the Professor knows everything, if the student dares challenge the professor, it might just cause a huge scene. Amazing culture it is here. The hypocrisy is unbelievable, I wonder where is the“Liberté, Egalitaire and fraternité” that the French Republic constantly preach and are so proud of.

In this country you are not allowed to show your true identity or culture, no one here is different. It reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut’s Harrison Bergeron. Perhaps France will be a starting point for that type of world, how very unfortunate for us. However, I suppose it has some merits as everyone here would be considered equal, in the sense that the will be no discrimination in the eyes of the law and politics unlike most of the world. I, however disagree that we have to hide our culture and identity to that extent. I believe that we should be proud of our differences but be respectful towards the differences of others as well, we should learn from one another the merits of our culture and ways. We should be grateful for it rather than hide it away in a closet. Though I see the argument, some might find other religions and cultures offensive to them especially if its shoved in their face, but I feel that humanity need not be so soft and take offense at everything they do not like. Perhaps society in general should be more open to differences and embrace it as part of it, afterall it would be pretty boring if we were all the same, no spice in our cooking, no herbs either. No sushi and sashimi or kimchi and now that I think about it, perhaps, NO KEBABS! A ghastly world it would be definitely if we were all equal and similar in every way.

The stereotype is true. The French are egoists, they are disgusting and are terribly ignorant of the things they do not know and are afraid of. At least that is the Data I have now.  

The postman didn’t come to comfort me

My lover and I used to post letters to each other. Now we hardly utter a word to each other. Towards the end of our relationship, there were no decibels of manic, no traces of anger, nor were there any hint of love loss. He just ended it and that was all to it. There are so many questions I had that he left unanswered, however there is no time to despair and grief. The time will come but not now. Not when there are so many people dependant on me. I refuse these feelings and I shall dismiss them.

The postman came yesterday with a letter for me.

It was a birthday letter. Yes, he broke up with me just days after saying he loves me and days after my birthday. Back to the point, it was a letter from my old school. How thoughtful of them, I thought, but being the conspiracy theorist that I have become, that thought was completely rebutted seconds after it was conceived. There are more things that I want to share with you dear reader however, I am not about too. I will maintain my facade until it is sewn on to me, I will not crumble. Why? Because I love him enough to let him be happy, no  matter how heart breaking it is to know he will never be happy with me.

I’ve lost my lover, but not my best friend.

Dear Best friend,
Should I move on with another guy already? Or should I wait for him? Lets go eat ice cream :D

Dear lover,
Please remember me. Please remember our memories and time together. Remember that we were once everything to one another. We were more than just fingertips and candlewicks, we were forever and we were always. We could still be but only in our memories. I hope one day, you will answer my questions and stop me from wrecking.

Goodbye lover, please be happy.

Bits and pieces

There is a time where a person and be surrounded by so many people but feel so lonely to the point of depression. I was there and right now,  am so afraid of being there again. I have friends now at Nottingham. I have observed that they do not love the same things as I do but they adore me and I them. We do have things in common but they are just ineffective at times. That’s fine. I don’t know why I cannot just say good things about something or someone and leave the bad parts alone. I seem to always want to dish out everything I know about the thing I talk about. Back to the topic. Why am I afraid? Well, I was there once in High school, with a whole bunch of friends. I was actually there twice. I can’t get along with people for too long. I have a thing where I do a mass dumping. Perhaps I have commitment issues or trust issues? I feel that I do. I want to cry about it and I don’t exactly know why I want to.

Brittle

On some days, I get the feeling of extreme loneliness,

Life suffocates me with in contempt and scorn,

I jump and fall into the same abyss,

I look up and see light and liberty,

But faraway they are, like Atlantis and Emerald city.

 

I’ve not had a day of it, unfortunately, I’ve had a week of it.

Some say I am a lucky person. I have a Family whom loves me and lets me be who I am with a very agreeable limit, I am financially acceptable and I have a supposed man whom is supposedly in love with me. The real question now is ‘why’. Why am I so ungrateful and sad when I have everything? Well, to pop that bubble is easy. Nothing in this world is really what it seems. People have so many facades and personalities that one simple would not have the strength to remember.

What has actually brought me down to the point of writing a blogpost about it is, a dinner with my dad. We had a massive fight. When I got home, all I wanted to do was love and be loved. Remembering that I have a special friend, I instant messaged him how much I appreciated him. Well, it didn’t go well. He picked a fight with me as well. Imagine how I felt… Great isn’t it? Yes, yes my life is wunderbar. Now that was a few days ago. I let him cool off and started approaching him again.

Just minutes ago, we fought again. To me, it seems that everything I do to self improve is a terrible consequence to him. I feel like he does not want to accept me for who I am anymore. He just wants a normal girl who will bow down to every word he says. This is bad. For me and for him for the sake of our relationship. These fights happen so frequently about the same thing up till, my mind has drifted. I have thought about a life without him. A life of liberty. As a person with a very different personality, I get along better with boys and I find them more agreeable to have a discussion with than girls. Earlier in our courtship, I have already told him this fact and he said that he would accept that. Now he is backing out on his word.

 

You know what? It isn’t even worth it to type it down. I don’t have to care about him and I don’t have to accept this. Whether I do or do not is my choice.

Being alone isn’t so bad anyway. I did it for the first 17 years of my life. Love is a myth. Cupid is a mythology.

Resurrection

The title does the talking for me.

Recently, I have gone thru another whirlwind and got out of it. Fairview International School is not what it is made out to be. It is a school not a college thus making the college program, International Baccalaureate unsuitable to be studied there. It is also a money making business. Hypocritical. I hated it.

Now I have been induced into the University of Nottingham and I feel happier and more stable. I love this place.
It is giving me everything FIS couldn’t and wouldn’t give me.

Its a new hope for me. A new life. A resurrection :)

Hayani Ishan

An essay.

2) Desire to learn and aspire to make it a better world.
 

  I quote Martin Luther King Jr:
                   "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

         Good day I bid to all whom are reading this. I have been asked to write about my desire to learn and aspire to make it a better world. Therefore, I have decided to write or should I say type, about a little big dream of mine.

       Malaysia is a wonderful country with an expanding economy and progressive developments. Malaysia is a unique and admirable country that grants people of all races to practice any religion they want. In my opinion, I would call Malaysia, an open-minded country. 
    Sadly, I cannot say the same about most countries in the world as some shun certain religions and their practisers’. I would like to put Islam in the spotlight, as it is the most controversial religion now.
For example, I recall in 2010, there was an attack on the IRS Building in Austin, Texas, by a 53-year-old software Engineer named Joseph Stack. He intentionally crashed a plane unto the building. His actions were the united Nations definition of instilling fear unto people or in short, terrorism, but he was not dubbed a terrorist. Reportedly, an US official said that Mr Stack was not dubbed a terrorist for he was not a Muslim. That report shocked and alerted the world about the close minded-ness and hypocrisy of Americans.
   Like Martin Luther King Jr. I have a dream. A dream that one day all men are seen as equals no matter what race or religion they are. For that dream, I have a burning desire to learn all I can about history, politics and many more subjects that are relevant.
  My desire to learn started when I was a child. At the age of seven, I watched 9/11 on television. I was confused at why  the plane was flying so low and thought that it was just an accident. I turned to my parents for answers, when they said that it was not an accident but a planned attack I was even more confused on why anyone would want to kill so many people. What were they thinking? Don't they have families to? Don't they feel remorse? I had endless questions that even my parents could not answer.
    Therefore, that was how I started wanting to learn. That was how I started asking questions and was aware of the worlds' absurdity. Until today, I have this desire to learn about the minds of these people no matter whom they are and where they come from. I want to learn and be as well educated as possible to achieve my dream because the greatest weapon anyone and everyone can ever have is education. With that weapon in my arsenal I can , hopefully, change the world to a more open and constructive mind-set rather than their already destructive one. With that weapon, I can make the world a better world.

                                                     -Hayani Ishan-