Monday, October 17, 2011

Black–listed

Do you know me? I bet you do not. Most people only think they know their friends and or family. Truth is you only know what those individuals want you to know.

Despair_by_Prototype969

You do not know me. Nobody does. I do not understand it myself but I can make a wild attempt at trying to explain it.

You see, I am and have always been a fickle minded person.

I am a Scorpio. My emotions are intense.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.  When I say I need something, I really mean I want. When I say I want something does not necessarily mean I need it. I do not know what I need yet, I do know. I perhaps, just refuse to acknowledge it.

I walk my road not exactly alone but lonely.

autumn_walk_by_incolorwetrust-d4c9yp8

In a snap , I can tell you my lifes’ story without crying. I am all out of tears on that topic, BUT if you ask me more and more intricately. I just might shed tears. Everyone is acquainted with me but nobody knows everything about me. Nobody, mark my word for it.

I lie to myself. So, even I do not know myself.

The things I do no matter how weird, odd, eccentric, cheery, loud or ominous are just another mask and habit I have. I do not fancy letting people feel the way I do. Lonely, betrayed and invaded.

Despair_1of5_by_xxxmaterial

I like to entertain.

You could say that, I am like a clown. All smiles but when you remove the makeup, you see wrinkles, worries, frowns, regrets, despair. Runaway brides are very pitiful but not as pitiful as runaway grooms.  Poor unsuspecting bride to be :(

Despair_by_mytwilightdream 

Yes, I am a Hypocrite.

Deal with it. I had to deal with my fathers’ hypocritical state. So , you will deal with mine.

I' have had enough of writing today.

All emotional because of my 89% for SPM English Trial Exam. Sucks to be me. No worries, I WILL MEMORISE THE WHOLE BLOODY THESAURUS OR DIE TRYING.

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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Lately

Tired, even when asleep; I no longer find solace in sleep.

                               -Megat Othman Denney-

Some of you might wonder why I quote this particular guys’ words a lot. Thing is I can relate to his words. Be it taken from somewhere or his own.

I have not been sleeping easily lately. I have been having nightmares. The most odd nightmares would be about the virgin Mary, losing half a tooth and being buried alive.

You should know by now that i neither see the glass half filled or half empty.

I do not exactly like having dreams like these. They make me feel down-hearted and trodden all over. They make me , aside from my already conflagrant nature, really grumpy and unsociable. I keep quite and have a stare contest with any willing victim. For example : Farah Nadhirah. I just stared at her straight for 15 minutes before our Physics exam started.

Some, call it insomnia but the proper definition of insomnia is difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep. I do stay asleep. I just wakeup feeling unrested. Hence , the quote.Awake_by_MAGICxMUFFIN

In the darkness, I awaken,

Crying at my thoughts ; forsaken,

What now? What then? What’s more?

Torturing me to my core.

                    -Hayani-

 

Perhaps, these dreams will stop soon. If they do not, I might just go insane.