The postman didn’t come to comfort me

My lover and I used to post letters to each other. Now we hardly utter a word to each other. Towards the end of our relationship, there were no decibels of manic, no traces of anger, nor were there any hint of love loss. He just ended it and that was all to it. There are so many questions I had that he left unanswered, however there is no time to despair and grief. The time will come but not now. Not when there are so many people dependant on me. I refuse these feelings and I shall dismiss them.

The postman came yesterday with a letter for me.

It was a birthday letter. Yes, he broke up with me just days after saying he loves me and days after my birthday. Back to the point, it was a letter from my old school. How thoughtful of them, I thought, but being the conspiracy theorist that I have become, that thought was completely rebutted seconds after it was conceived. There are more things that I want to share with you dear reader however, I am not about too. I will maintain my facade until it is sewn on to me, I will not crumble. Why? Because I love him enough to let him be happy, no  matter how heart breaking it is to know he will never be happy with me.

I’ve lost my lover, but not my best friend.

Dear Best friend,
Should I move on with another guy already? Or should I wait for him? Lets go eat ice cream :D

Dear lover,
Please remember me. Please remember our memories and time together. Remember that we were once everything to one another. We were more than just fingertips and candlewicks, we were forever and we were always. We could still be but only in our memories. I hope one day, you will answer my questions and stop me from wrecking.

Goodbye lover, please be happy.

Bits and pieces

There is a time where a person and be surrounded by so many people but feel so lonely to the point of depression. I was there and right now,  am so afraid of being there again. I have friends now at Nottingham. I have observed that they do not love the same things as I do but they adore me and I them. We do have things in common but they are just ineffective at times. That’s fine. I don’t know why I cannot just say good things about something or someone and leave the bad parts alone. I seem to always want to dish out everything I know about the thing I talk about. Back to the topic. Why am I afraid? Well, I was there once in High school, with a whole bunch of friends. I was actually there twice. I can’t get along with people for too long. I have a thing where I do a mass dumping. Perhaps I have commitment issues or trust issues? I feel that I do. I want to cry about it and I don’t exactly know why I want to.

Brittle

On some days, I get the feeling of extreme loneliness,

Life suffocates me with in contempt and scorn,

I jump and fall into the same abyss,

I look up and see light and liberty,

But faraway they are, like Atlantis and Emerald city.

 

I’ve not had a day of it, unfortunately, I’ve had a week of it.

Some say I am a lucky person. I have a Family whom loves me and lets me be who I am with a very agreeable limit, I am financially acceptable and I have a supposed man whom is supposedly in love with me. The real question now is ‘why’. Why am I so ungrateful and sad when I have everything? Well, to pop that bubble is easy. Nothing in this world is really what it seems. People have so many facades and personalities that one simple would not have the strength to remember.

What has actually brought me down to the point of writing a blogpost about it is, a dinner with my dad. We had a massive fight. When I got home, all I wanted to do was love and be loved. Remembering that I have a special friend, I instant messaged him how much I appreciated him. Well, it didn’t go well. He picked a fight with me as well. Imagine how I felt… Great isn’t it? Yes, yes my life is wunderbar. Now that was a few days ago. I let him cool off and started approaching him again.

Just minutes ago, we fought again. To me, it seems that everything I do to self improve is a terrible consequence to him. I feel like he does not want to accept me for who I am anymore. He just wants a normal girl who will bow down to every word he says. This is bad. For me and for him for the sake of our relationship. These fights happen so frequently about the same thing up till, my mind has drifted. I have thought about a life without him. A life of liberty. As a person with a very different personality, I get along better with boys and I find them more agreeable to have a discussion with than girls. Earlier in our courtship, I have already told him this fact and he said that he would accept that. Now he is backing out on his word.

 

You know what? It isn’t even worth it to type it down. I don’t have to care about him and I don’t have to accept this. Whether I do or do not is my choice.

Being alone isn’t so bad anyway. I did it for the first 17 years of my life. Love is a myth. Cupid is a mythology.

Resurrection

The title does the talking for me.

Recently, I have gone thru another whirlwind and got out of it. Fairview International School is not what it is made out to be. It is a school not a college thus making the college program, International Baccalaureate unsuitable to be studied there. It is also a money making business. Hypocritical. I hated it.

Now I have been induced into the University of Nottingham and I feel happier and more stable. I love this place.
It is giving me everything FIS couldn’t and wouldn’t give me.

Its a new hope for me. A new life. A resurrection :)

Hayani Ishan