As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:
Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.
Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.
My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.
I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.
I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.
See the picture above? ^
Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.
My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.
<--- I’m still stuck here.
My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.
I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.
It is just frustrating
