An essay.

2) Desire to learn and aspire to make it a better world.
 

  I quote Martin Luther King Jr:
                   "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

         Good day I bid to all whom are reading this. I have been asked to write about my desire to learn and aspire to make it a better world. Therefore, I have decided to write or should I say type, about a little big dream of mine.

       Malaysia is a wonderful country with an expanding economy and progressive developments. Malaysia is a unique and admirable country that grants people of all races to practice any religion they want. In my opinion, I would call Malaysia, an open-minded country. 
    Sadly, I cannot say the same about most countries in the world as some shun certain religions and their practisers’. I would like to put Islam in the spotlight, as it is the most controversial religion now.
For example, I recall in 2010, there was an attack on the IRS Building in Austin, Texas, by a 53-year-old software Engineer named Joseph Stack. He intentionally crashed a plane unto the building. His actions were the united Nations definition of instilling fear unto people or in short, terrorism, but he was not dubbed a terrorist. Reportedly, an US official said that Mr Stack was not dubbed a terrorist for he was not a Muslim. That report shocked and alerted the world about the close minded-ness and hypocrisy of Americans.
   Like Martin Luther King Jr. I have a dream. A dream that one day all men are seen as equals no matter what race or religion they are. For that dream, I have a burning desire to learn all I can about history, politics and many more subjects that are relevant.
  My desire to learn started when I was a child. At the age of seven, I watched 9/11 on television. I was confused at why  the plane was flying so low and thought that it was just an accident. I turned to my parents for answers, when they said that it was not an accident but a planned attack I was even more confused on why anyone would want to kill so many people. What were they thinking? Don't they have families to? Don't they feel remorse? I had endless questions that even my parents could not answer.
    Therefore, that was how I started wanting to learn. That was how I started asking questions and was aware of the worlds' absurdity. Until today, I have this desire to learn about the minds of these people no matter whom they are and where they come from. I want to learn and be as well educated as possible to achieve my dream because the greatest weapon anyone and everyone can ever have is education. With that weapon in my arsenal I can , hopefully, change the world to a more open and constructive mind-set rather than their already destructive one. With that weapon, I can make the world a better world.

                                                     -Hayani Ishan-

To achieve is to believe

The other day, I was checking my twitter stream and i found that a lot of people that I know are getting more and more negative about , not only themselves but, the whole world in general.

The say the words.

I can’t

Don’t you just detest those words?

When you start a sentence with a negative, the results will almost definitely be negative.

Live better, try a neutral. Use the magic word,

I TRIED

If you do, people will be more open to what you say. They will listen or read on and think about it. This way, you get an honest , opinion-based answers instead of a constant compelled negative reaction.

Don’t bring yourself down :) There are people who love you! What am I talking about? well, your parents have not turned you out of the house, have they? They still love you (Y)

With that, I bide an adieu .

P.s: I’ve currently started College. That ostrich reminds me of me.

 

Persian made me do this.

Yes, yes, you read the title right. Someone had to make do a blog post. I’ve been busy lately with work and adjusting to it. Not quite there yet though. Proof , is that :

1. I’m writing this on my off day

2. I’m not taking part in the kereta api sarong flash mob because I was too tired to change my off day.

3. I’ve only read the newspaper once this week and I missed my favourite comic strip, Zits, more than I should.

4. I’ve constantly became tired after work. Unlike my co-workers who still can go lepak after work.

Are those enough proof for you? :P Well, you’ll have to be content with them for now.

Here’s the latest news update from Hayani Wide News Sdn Bhd. 

I’m currently working at Dome Cafe. I applied to be a Barista but as we all know, I have never had coffee in my life (except haritu when abang syafiq lied and told me that it was hot chocolate, it tasted bad) Thus, I have absolutely no idea how to make coffee! HAHA. So, I’ve to train first. Meanwhile, I serve as a waitress :D So far, my sifu , Abang Syafiq, has taught me how to make all of the drinks in the tea menu except for the chai latte :)

oh oh oh ! I can also make Cappucino but my foam is horrible. We can’t serve horribly foamed cappuccino to customers can we? :)

Other than that, I now know how to make the perfect mocha and fruit salad, and its awesome!

Sure, it takes up 90% of my time but its fun working there. A real experience and that’s what I wanted. To mingle with these people would be hard for some because they’re from very different backgrounds than our middle and high class city folks. My point of view however is that we should know and understand these people as much as we understand our self. Then and only then will we able to live in absolute peace, because we accept one another and understand what each other want.

I’ll post up pictures of them soon :)

 

Money matters 1

You are currently reading the blog of an inner child who has been given a job. Job. Job. job.

Yes, you read that right. :D I shall soon enter the devious working world of the adults. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

In my opinion, I think this should be fun. Entertaining customers and serving them with a smile. It seems pretty amusing :P Also, I would be able to know what its like to be in an organisation and to be at the very bottom of the organisation. It sounds gory to many but I am more than willing to take up on this challenge.

BELIEVE IT or not but I am excited to be treated like a slave. Hey , They’re paying me well, giving me food and i get 2 days off per week. I do not think I’ll mind being a slave to that kind of deal. Other than that, I’ll be working at my favourite mall which is a total bonus :D

So peeps,

Oh and, my Harry Potter and Narnia Frenzy has come back. If you’re close to me and I talk to you, expect me to yell out patronuses , spells and “ FOR NARNIA AND FOR ASLAAANNNN!!!!” a lot.

I admit to be addicted to 9gag lately. It cheers me up and makes me realise the reality and negativity of life. WHO CARES?!

OH OH OH AND AND I GOT CALLED BACK FOR AN INTERVIEW FOR A COLLEGE THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE IN!  Be happy for me!

Taking time of to concentrate on myself was a wise move. Now I have a grasp on my life. Not a firm one but not a loose one either :)

I Thank God for the decisions that I’ve made. Even though I rushed and was a lil’ bit forced into it. It was a wise and a breakthrough move.

We’ve got one life, so lets make it worth everyones while :)

People

I have distanced myself from all I used to deem friends/ Good friends/ Great friends/ True friends and people whom I can’t live without. I have done this perversity for reasons that might not seem logical to you or perhaps it is to small or can be corrected but:

I do not need to explain myself because no one asked me personally for an explanation. The lack of curiosity disappoints me. Oh well, everyone is different ^-^

It would be improper for me to rant about it online where everyone can see. I like privacy.

Moving on, I have decided to do whatever it takes to be in the International Baccalaureate Diploma Program at Fairview International School, United World College or Taylors College. I prefer the first two because they are not commercialised and have better qualifications to teach the IBDP. 

Also, I’ve been getting addicted to Word Search again XD My mother likes this. Other than that, I’ve applied for jobs, sent in my college applications and rested. Things I couldn’t do while having distractions around. My mum was right thus I must agree now that the quote “ Mother knows best” is true.

Other than that, I’ve managed to spend more time with my beloved sisters. I must say that yes, they are annoying at times but that's just because I didn’t know what was bothering them. They tolerable now. Nayli is an exception though, Her china-fied mind is too unreasonable at most times. XD

<—Face painting

Well, that is all for now. It is getting late and I have to wake up early and get them sisters ready for school tomorrow :D I am such a responsible person nowadays. Its an oddity to my surroundings, bad to few but perfect to the government.

Good nights!

personal statement

I am not the people and places I grew up with, though I adapt to them, i strive to be even just a little bit different. To be my own person with my own unique identity.

I was extremely silent and odd as a child. I would keep to myself, read story books kids my age did not even think of reading for example Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, play alone in the garden, chat with the plants, animals and even to the rocks! and I must confess, I would dig up all sorts of insects from the ground just to cut them in half to see what was in them. The television was never a distraction to me because I found it more of a luxury than a necessity. Moreover, I did not like sitting at one place for hours, I loved the outdoors, the experience of being outdoors made me feel free.

Unfortunately, not everyone can have the same wants, needs curiosity and personality as they grow up. Although I still have many of the same qualities I had as a child, my experience feels somehow incomplete. I can’t help but feel that I am stuck in that murky place between where dreams are conceived and dreams are realized. Let me explain:

My parents got a divorce when I was fifteen. The constant fights that they had before the divorce, during and after it changed me into from a carefree, happy-go-lucky person into an emotional wreck. I became self- destructive and no longer cared about my education and social life. I just wanted to be left alone in my depth of despair. Somehow, I managed to pull through and got myself out of that deep black hole and learned to smile, laugh, hope, believe and make friends again thru Karate and athletics. I finally started to believe and trust in God and people around me.

My mother remarried when I was sixteen to a very , very agreeable younger man. My sisters absolutely adore him and the feeling is reciprocated. Even though he cannot and will never be able to be a father to me as I am too old and he is too young for me to be looked at as his daughter, I like having him around. He makes my mum and sisters happy and that is good enough for me. Furthermore, its nice to see his bald and shiny head around, it reminds me to be thankful that I am blessed with a head of hair.

It took me a lot of self – motivation, poetry and food to get me out of my depressed state. The result was every girls’ nightmare, a fatter and frowny image. I realised that no matter what happens, we need to stay optimistic, strong and never give up on ourselves.

Spending the next two years at Fairview would help me distinguish myself as an individual. I love the fact that the IBDP pushes us to be the very best that we can, and encourages us to be open- minded,  think critically and creatively and to apply what we learn outside of the classroom.  I believe it is the perfect education for me, as it would enhance my sense of independence, security, broaden my horizons and expose myself to the many cultures of the world. In return, I hope I could help the world in any way I could.

Having said that and with a restless spirit and a fierce eagerness to learn, I believe I would be a great asset to Fairview International for this program. If accepted, I plan to pursue my education with a new kind of passion, one that becomes stronger for me every day: the passion for independence.

-Hayani-

This is my personal statement to college I just thought I’d share it just incase if anyone wants an example of a personal statement. Do not reuse, copy and paste and claim it to be yours. Write your own. Plus, mine is not very good.

Politics in education. WHAT?! Oh you have to read this!

Darshenn, a KL school boy, compared his new mathematics and science marks to his old marks. He felt utterly betrayed and horrified. For a person who scored Straight A’s for UPSR, he had done very badly for his first test in high school because it was in Malay. “How could the government to this to me?!” He thought.

Rui ying, a student in a Chinese vernacular school who, as a norm, always scored straight A’s and never had any trouble during exams was struggling to answer her midterm science exams questions. She had not done well in the previous exam and had been scolded and caned.

Huda, is the daughter of a fisherman who is quite frankly speaking very annoyed by the change of language in her school syllabus and also annoyed at her very insular community. University syllabus is going to be in English. By right, math and science, especially secondary school, should be taught in English. She ignores her previous thought and starts learning History. Her thoughts are filled with Hitler and the Boston tea party then, she snaps back to reality. They are not a part of her history syllabus. She frets and tries to concentrate.

Hitam, a young teen living in the forest of Borneo who travels 3 miles a day on foot to get to school doesn’t understand why his mathematics changed to another language after he took all the trouble to learn the English language. He is about to give up.

Miranda, a Chindian mother who is worried about her children they do not know evens the slightest bit of general World History. She reminiscence her school days when they learnt about the hanging gardens of Babylon and fears her children will never know about these ancient wonders and history.

Education in the largest sense is any act or experience that has a formative effect on the mind, character, or physical ability of an individual. In its technical sense, education is the process by which society deliberately transmits its accumulated knowledge, skills, and values from one generation to another. As defined by Wikipedia.

Defined as a process by which groups of people make collective decisions or as a term that generally applies to the art or science of running governmental or state affairs by Wikipedia, Politics has a vast influence on the education in our beloved country. One can perceive that the word “politics” is, in fact, a very dirty word in Malaysia. Mention it and the look of disdain would be etched on most people’s faces. Mention it to your parents that you are interested to be a politician and I would guarantee that there would not be any family hugs and tears of happiness flowing.

What does politics has to do with education? Well, politics play the dominant influence in shaping the education policies of the country. Apparently when it comes to structural policy implementation, the interest of politicians comes first and interest of student comes last. Given the examples above, today I stress on the constant changing of mathematics and science in English to Malay and vice versa and the horrible history syllabus we have today.

Have you noticed, during every election, some politician will either promise to keep the education system in English or change it to Malay depending on the state? Well, I have. My feelings towards it are of despise and disgust. It shows that they make empty promises just to win the election and be done with it. They don’t care about us, about innocent students who have their minds and lives messed up with continual policy changes in education.

For havens sake, these politicians should make up their mind. Should they be willing to take the risk of losing some voters to make the education system better? In universities, Mathematics and science is taught in English. That’s why in 2002, Educationist at large breathed a sigh of relief when a glimmer of hope was seen in the introduction of English in the teaching of Mathematics and Science in English but that quickly disappeared when the policy was scrapped in 2009 and both critical subjects will be taught in Malay in 2012. What was alarming was that pressure from political extremist groups and language purists and NGO’s from both sides of the divide was successful in influencing the government in disbanding this policy. It is disheartening is that these groups seem to know more about language policies than educationists and reformists in the field. These insular people are actually the catalyst of the change.

On the other hand we have the History syllabus.

On the 15^th of May 2011 a group of scholars and non-governmental organisations (NGO) pushing for greater accuracy in history textbooks for secondary school students gathered for the first time.

-The Malaysian Insider-

The term ‘greater accuracy’ amuses me here. Does that mean that we have been learning History that is not accurate or more importantly true?! Here is another bad effect about politics in education. The government will try to brainwash us into thinking that they are such saints and that they have saved us from injustice. When they themselves were the cause of all the chaos in the first place. In our history syllabus there are terms referencing to instil patriotism. These terms should been in our textbooks if they had wanted us to learn factual and truthful history or are they afraid of letting us know the truth.

If we are to compare the History syllabus of our beloved country and other developed countries, we can see that the other countries actually teach the students there not only their countries history but also general world history. This means that the other nation students are better equipped with facing the world as a whole than us. Before our past education minister, whose name I will not mention to avoid any controversy, changed our History syllabus, we were just like the other nations. We learnt about Hitler, the hanging gardens of Babylon etc. but that was all in the past. During my 46 year old mothers time I’d say. Now the only History we’re learning is how miserable we were before Independence. In my point of view, we actually must thank the British for what we have today. People who dare to Speak out.

The influence of politics in our education system can be seen as pathetic or disgraceful! The education body of our country should be an entirely different body from politics so as it would not be used for the ease of winning elections. Think about the students. Think about the future. Education is no flimsy matter.

Written by

Hanida Hayani Ishan

Want but Cannot

I want to write about you so much.

But I really cannot find the words.

To describe how amazing you are,

have always been

and will always be.

I want to describe him. I want to tell myself how I have always felt about him. I can’t. You will know soon dear reader. You will :)

I will share this over-whelming happiness.

Black–listed

Do you know me? I bet you do not. Most people only think they know their friends and or family. Truth is you only know what those individuals want you to know.

You do not know me. Nobody does. I do not understand it myself but I can make a wild attempt at trying to explain it.

You see, I am and have always been a fickle minded person.

I am a Scorpio. My emotions are intense.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.  When I say I need something, I really mean I want. When I say I want something does not necessarily mean I need it. I do not know what I need yet, I do know. I perhaps, just refuse to acknowledge it.

I walk my road not exactly alone but lonely.

In a snap , I can tell you my lifes’ story without crying. I am all out of tears on that topic, BUT if you ask me more and more intricately. I just might shed tears. Everyone is acquainted with me but nobody knows everything about me. Nobody, mark my word for it.

I lie to myself. So, even I do not know myself.

The things I do no matter how weird, odd, eccentric, cheery, loud or ominous are just another mask and habit I have. I do not fancy letting people feel the way I do. Lonely, betrayed and invaded.

I like to entertain.

You could say that, I am like a clown. All smiles but when you remove the makeup, you see wrinkles, worries, frowns, regrets, despair. Runaway brides are very pitiful but not as pitiful as runaway grooms.  Poor unsuspecting bride to be :(

 

Yes, I am a Hypocrite.

Deal with it. I had to deal with my fathers’ hypocritical state. So , you will deal with mine.

I' have had enough of writing today.

All emotional because of my 89% for SPM English Trial Exam. Sucks to be me. No worries, I WILL MEMORISE THE WHOLE BLOODY THESAURUS OR DIE TRYING.

Lately

Tired, even when asleep; I no longer find solace in sleep.

                               -Megat Othman Denney-

Some of you might wonder why I quote this particular guys’ words a lot. Thing is I can relate to his words. Be it taken from somewhere or his own.

I have not been sleeping easily lately. I have been having nightmares. The most odd nightmares would be about the virgin Mary, losing half a tooth and being buried alive.

You should know by now that i neither see the glass half filled or half empty.

I do not exactly like having dreams like these. They make me feel down-hearted and trodden all over. They make me , aside from my already conflagrant nature, really grumpy and unsociable. I keep quite and have a stare contest with any willing victim. For example : Farah Nadhirah. I just stared at her straight for 15 minutes before our Physics exam started.

Some, call it insomnia but the proper definition of insomnia is difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep. I do stay asleep. I just wakeup feeling unrested. Hence , the quote.

In the darkness, I awaken,

Crying at my thoughts ; forsaken,

What now? What then? What’s more?

Torturing me to my core.

                    -Hayani-

 

Perhaps, these dreams will stop soon. If they do not, I might just go insane.

Guilty Pleasures = Friends

So how was your Eid Mubarak everyone? Mine was voluptuous ;) HAHA. Get my fling?

Okay I think I’m done being lame.

So I went to THREE awesome humans open house this year.

First, Hadi Iskandar.

Truth be told, I did not exactly know him personally but i was one of only three girls he invited. So, due to the over-whelming feeling I had, I went and had a blast!

I was actually the first one to come ON TIME. Like 12 pm sharp i was at his gate tau. So cool of me XD HADI HAD REALLY GOOD TASTING RAINBOW CAKE! I wanted to ask him about what cake it was tapi malu laa XD

I officially met his girlfriend too <3 Teehee. They look good together :)

Second, Matiin Rahman aka The Great PEDOBEAR!

So, after Hadi’s house Arshad, Adam and I hopped into Arshad and I’s karate masters’ car and headed to Matiins’ (matt) house. Inevitably as usual, we got lost. Why? BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HAVE HIS ADDRESS AND ADAM FORGOT WHERE MATTS HOUSE WAS. YAY!

So Sensei dropped us off at Sri Aman Girl School and we walked from there with directions from Ali Redha , who was on a motorbike.

Susah nak pergi rumah Matt. Tapi it was worth it. I had a blast. Half of the Bombastics were there! We talked and talked and talked and gossip a bit then talked some more. All that time, Nik, who sat next to me was blabbering about Nasi Dagang. He talked about Nasi Dagang for about 3 hours –.-“ Haih gotta love him.

We then walked to the KK Mart across the road from Matts’ house to grab a popsicle, thats when Yasmin and Ariff’s mother came. I tagged along and their mother sent me home. The comic thing is that, Arshad came too, he didn’t actually know them XD We sent him home anyways . HAHA

The third would be Ali Redha Azizans’ !

The invite to this open house was also an unexpected one. Well, He invited me at Matiins open house which was a day before his open house. Very last minute. Very male :D

I have got to admit that his open house is a very memorable one for me. I went around 6pm. Guess what we did?!

WE PLAYED SCRABBLE TWICE

Lepas tu kan.. kita makan makan makanan yang teramat sedap. His mothers’ Lasagna , Cream puff, Orange + Ginger ale drink and Chicken puff <3 . Oh and a dish with broccoli in it. I forgot the name. XD Hayani ate a lot tapi berat tak naik pun :D

After that we played… Ali’s X-Box.

WEIH PELIK TAU LARI HURDLES SETEMPAT. TENGOK ALI LARI SETEMPAT PUN LAWAK GILA DOWH

Yeah. I have never seen an X-box before. So I jakun lah kan XD Lepas tu, We watched Austin Powers HAHA. Nak tau tak pukul berapa I balik? HAHA Pukul 9.30pm tau. Hayani sangat cool (Y) –.-“

So those are the open houses I went too so far :D If I go to anymore I’ll be sure post a tribute to it, but for now,

Tata.

An original song.

It is supposed to be heavy on the bass with some Arabic and dark features here and there. Let the melody be Muse inspired for in this writers head , it sounds like Muse. Alert me if you have a melody!

   Someday perhaps one day.

I would like to start a revolution,

to let the cynics be left in destitution

Let them bleed tears of regret

They whom said our world ; incorrect.

 

Let them suffer as they made us,

Let them see the mess they have made,

Let them see the deaths that they have caused,

Let them feel the pang of our loss.

Toss them, chop them, churn them,

Kill them.

 

Change the world and make it kind,

Make the change,

You will shine ~

Break the barriers of humankind,

Let the cynics be left behind.

 

The world is very much divine,

Though they will disagree,

But it is fine,

I’ll take the world and make it mine.

 

Let them suffer as they made us,

Let them see the mess they have made,

Let them see the deaths that they have caused,

Let them feel the pang of our loss.

Toss them, chop them, churn them,

Kill them.

 

In the end, let them see,

The better world without their sneers,

In the end, let them know,

That for them the time is near.

 

Give up, give up , give up.

Make them listen.

That their end is near.

 

Written by Hayani

Copy-righted by deviantart

Rivers

She had poetry in her eyes, stunning and conflagrant in so many manners. Resplendent daydreams spilled from her mouth, aesthetically winding in the air and shaping her lips into a radiant beam. Her name was Lisa. Her very being, made me feel more than slight disdain at myself. She was almost perfect. She was my best friend.

Now Lisa was a queer adolescent. When everyone was busy gossiping she would have already known the whole story, when everyone was wearing miniskirts, she had already passed that phase of her life and moved on to pretty short dresses with boots. She was the type of girl you would find wandering in the forest, acting as if nothing was wrong with the world. She was wrong! Everything was wrong with the world. She said, “Adam, let me tell you that on earth nature is the kindest.” From there, she went on and on about how still rivers run deep and the magic in every bird’s voice. She trusted nature. Now, I am lying here, next to the water where I last saw her, writing my woes because of her. Because of Lisa…

“Hey Adam! You’re going to Mount Kinahua right?” She asked me exactly two years, three months and 13 days ago. She was wearing her bright red boots that everyone hated, but made her toes feel nice and tingly. How could I have said no? Her beautiful smile had me breathless. I loved her then and I still love her now. Truth is my father drowned in a river at the same mountain we were going too.

We boarded the school bus and started our journey to the perilous Mount Kinahua. Lisa chattered the whole way while I just listened. I loved listening to her talk. Her voice sounded like Sunday morning chimes mixed with the suns bright grandeur and a touch of midnight’s loneliness. Four hours into the journey, we stopped to stretch our legs and to grab a bite to eat. Just like a movie, we abruptly stopped at a majestic waterfall. Her eagerness over-ruled my nonchalance at the ear splitting sound of the waterfalls’ water crashing unto the sharp-edged stones below it. Lisa was irritating. However, someone somewhere once said that irritation meant love.

Her free spirit led us to explore the forest around the waterfall and the river it originated. We remembered our hunger as we were spying on spawning frogs. Being the dominant teen that she was, she ordered me to get our food from the school bus. As usual, I reluctantly did.

“ Adam! Go get our food! Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. They’re just frogs in a river bedded with sand. Honestly, people would think that you’re my mother in disguise fretting over me like that!”

“But Lisa… I just don’t want you to get hurt. Why not we go together?”

“Are you afraid of walking in the forest in broad daylight alone, Adam? Just trust Nature, She’ll protect you.”

“I am not afraid! I worry about you, Lisa, you’re too carefree. Promise me you will stay right here. No climbing trees or chasing after any sort of animal. Alright?”

“Yes, yes. Just go get our food will you, silly Adam?”

Some things are too good to be true to last.

I, quite literally sprinted to the bus to get our food. As I was just about to leave the bus, it happened.

A loud shriek and then nothing.

I dropped the food and dashed towards the opening I left Lisa. She was not there! I panicked. Where was she? Could she have fallen off a tree? NO, she was nowhere to be seen on the ground. She could not have been dragged by the water, the river was too still. Still river? That was when it hit me! Lisa could have drowned. By that time the whole bus had gathered at the opening. Everyone was searching for Lisa. We searched for more than 2 hours.

Everyone was about to give up when I saw a little bit of yellow and pink in the water. It turned out to be one of Lisa’s hair beads. Images of her soft curly blonde hair and gentle but vibrant eyes came to my mind. Lisa was in the water somewhere. Myren was the first one to react, he traced the bead to some sort of yellow weed in the river but I knew better. That so-called yellow weed had pink highlights just like Lisa’s hair. We dug her up then realised that a few meters from us, the riverbed was a lot deeper and a part of it had collapsed. As I carried her lifeless body to the riverbank, the birds were singing a very melancholy tune.

Lisa had trusted nature, she had loved still rivers and she had adored the bird’s tune. Now, nature had eaten her up whole and the birds were singing, perhaps singing their morbid song.

She is dead. She is gone. Taken by the very thing she had trusted and loved most.

Now as I walk to the edge of the waterfall on this very clear summer day. I say I am not worthy of this world any longer. I say that nature was not worthy of your love, Lisa my dearest.

The sun is high.

Dearest Lisa,

Under every cut - throat sun, I will love you forever and only you, only the distant you will ever know my song, for the ebb and flow of what you know, is everything that I am. Without you, I do not want to live in this gruesome and untrustworthy world. May I see you in the after world, my Lisa, my angel, my only…

Reality

As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:

Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.

Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.

My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.

I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.

I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.

 

See the picture above? ^

Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.

 

My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.<--- I’m still stuck here.

My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.

I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.

It is just frustrating

Oblivion

A wise man once said that a hypocrite is the person judging. we judged. Our love is a platonic one.

How apathetic you looked when i first met you. How blur and eccentric. For a person who used a math book to write English essays, you were incredibly witty when it came to jokes and mathematics. oh, ostentatious I thought you were. Definitely to stay away from. Definitely trouble and angst.

Fate said otherwise though, the minute we started talking, we couldn’t stop. Soon enough, after every tuition class we’d spend time talking to each other outside while waiting for our ride home. Soon enough we became really good friends.

I’m not so sure how you became my best friend darl, but I know how we got close It was on msn XD then my raya open house. We click so well. But I guess, what made us best friends was the week that I SAW YOUR UGLY FACE EVERY BLOODY DAY and that was my birthday week (: You planned a surprise party for me. haiiihhh. It made my world . It really did . I’m not lying, bitch.

In conjunction to that there’s also new years.Gosh I remember how pathetic you were. You called to say that you ran away from home. That was so close to midnight. I was all the way in ipoh attending a wedding. I was so worried and as they say, what you do during new years eve till new years day , that’s what you’ll be doing the whole year. I find that statement so true because YOU BLOODY WELL KNOW HOW TO WORRY ME ALL THE TIME, BEST FRIEND.

Then , there was also your ex – girlfriend and my ex – boyfriend. I hated her. You had a bad feeling about him. We never told each other until it was over. Now what we learned was always tell each other cause WE BOTH HAVE GAY-MATERNAL INSTINCTS for each other <3 awwwww we’re so sweet , can die. If you’re reading this, please understand that I think my attachment to him was definitely deeper than yours to her. I guess mine was too full of passion and yours, ignorance. LETS TELL EACH OTHER NEXT TIME. NOW, i command you to love your current girlfriend because she’s the one i wanted you to be with all along ever since i introduced you people! OKAY?!

Other than that, there’s also 2 days in Cameron Highlands. Me with a sick heart and you with a cold XD haihhh, the sunrise that day was really pathetic. We didn’t get to see the sun at all ! XD But we did talk. A lot. Too much, too little. I don’t know. But I’d gladly do it again because of the trees i saw  

Hey best friend,

You really are different and an ass. Then again, that’s why we click so well. I’m different and an ass too , to you right? –.- Well, lets look out for each other eh?

You’re like family now. I can’t imagine living my life without you. You’re too BLEAH. I see orange and think of you. I EAT , DRINK AND BAKE carrots while smiling cause i know you’re hurting because you are carrots XD

Then, there’s always the YELLOW CURSE following us. I LOVE It. You want to damn it to hell. But hey, if i can take on carrots, you can take on yellow. We’re too cool like that XD

By the way, you are lame. I don’t know why you’re my best friend since you’re lame but you are LAME LAME LAME LAMEOOOO . You lame-nista, lame-uel, Lame-khan, LAME. Not forgetting about retarded. HAHA

Well, king of chemisery, I’m done here. Can’t believe i wasted my time writing about you. Fine maybe i shouldn’t reprove you of my writing. It is after all my time. Well, this just shows how lucky you are to have a tree.

byee~ (:

p.s : I love you best friend. Don’t you dare deform my yellow or trees. Your balls will lose all of its sperms and your sperm duct will cease to work. I am not joking

P.S.S : BARNEY STINSON FTW.

Matters of lust.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in love, fell out of love or never felt love. What matters is your own identity. Before you love someone, you have to love yourself. To give yourself away to a person means that you are confident that no matter what that person does to you, you will never lose your self respect. Nor will you ever stop loving your own self.

Don’t be fooled by the men around you. Especially teenage boys. All they want from girls is to quench their thirst for lust. They say ‘I Love You’ but they never mean it. These boys will do anything to get into your pants/skirts. Maybe not literally but they’ll just make you fall hard with touch and passionate kisses. You lust for them too. So don’t use your heart girls. Not until you’re 24 years old. Date? Go ahead. Just don’t fall in love. Its not real. Its just puppy/lustful love.

Examinations are like cows.

Exams are like a cows’ stomach that lost it’s cellulase enzyme.  We are the grass that it’s chewing, When it regurgitates and still can’t digest us, it vomits us out. We are left lying on the ground, smashed, destroyed and completely unaware of what had happened.

-hayani- 1.15pm 4/10/10

Yes, I wrote that during exam. Not just any exam, but during SEJARAH (history) exam :D

No more games , no more lies

Prince Of Persia The movie is just so awesome. I love it to dust. Literally.

Jake Gyllenhaal might’ve acted in a gay movie ( Brokeback Mountain) but he, in Prince of Persia, is so hot. I don’t squeal over men often you know but oh, he looks so delicious. His acting has quite improved and oh, his half-smile during some parts are just to die for. Gosh, I’m trying to talk about the movie but its so hard for me to concentrate on it when all I can think of is Jake Gyllenhaal. Dang.

Okay okay fine. I’ll tell you why I like him. It’s because he reminds me of someone. Yes, I’m a sucker for Arab looking men and well, generally mixed looking guys. Jake in general does not look Arabian but the makeup and wardrobe crew did a fine fine job. Kudos to them. oh my, I feel a fan girl growing in me. Hmmm, maybe not. I’ve been watching the movie again and again and again and I’m not screaming or squealing.

Generally, the movie is quite fantastic. Not only does it satisfy Prince of Persia game players, but also movie-goers and other members of the public. The romantic twist or should I say the love-hate relationship of the prince and a certain princess add spice that lovers or people-that-are-in-love-with-love look for. While the fragile bond between brothers is ideal for a family to take lessons from. (just change the ‘brothers’ to siblings lah)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri! :)

     Aaaaahhh,  it’s finally here!!!

The time of the year where us malay muslim ‘kids’ get MONEY! and forgiveness from our parents and whoever we ask forgiveness from :)

So People! HAPPY EID! AND DON’T FORGET TO COME TO MY OPEN HOUSE!!!

Text me , email me or facebook me for more details ;D

                     -hayani-

First Post :D

So, here I am. For the first time writing here. I feel nothing. You ain't special. XD
Moving on.

This , as I call it, my Sri aman blog. CAUSE, I moved school. Assunta ---> Sri Aman. The 'enemy' school. =.= Make peace not war dude..

Here. here. here. here. I am here. You are here. Why are you here? Why are you reading this? Why did you HAVE/want to check this link out? I don't know. I'm not you. Who are you?

Bear in mind that, I'm very open-minded. Sometimes overly. Others, minimally. It's inevitable. I am human. You are a human too. Or are you? >.<

I like yellow. Yellow colour, yellow shirts, yellow bottles, yellow yellow yellow. YEll OW! XD Whenever I see a yellow car, I MUST shout "Yellow car!!" I just have too. I don't know why.

Here, you will read about what I go through, my thoughts on certain things and sometimes what I feel about certain things or people. Whether good or bad.

I'm a hypocrite. I go against things like saying "we shouldn't question who we are because the answer is obvious. We are humans" but I question myself anyway. I give advice. But I never follow any of my own advice.

Okay. Now I'm late for choir practise. Till here then. Tata.

-hayani-