People

I have distanced myself from all I used to deem friends/ Good friends/ Great friends/ True friends and people whom I can’t live without. I have done this perversity for reasons that might not seem logical to you or perhaps it is to small or can be corrected but:

I do not need to explain myself because no one asked me personally for an explanation. The lack of curiosity disappoints me. Oh well, everyone is different ^-^

It would be improper for me to rant about it online where everyone can see. I like privacy.

Moving on, I have decided to do whatever it takes to be in the International Baccalaureate Diploma Program at Fairview International School, United World College or Taylors College. I prefer the first two because they are not commercialised and have better qualifications to teach the IBDP. 

Also, I’ve been getting addicted to Word Search again XD My mother likes this. Other than that, I’ve applied for jobs, sent in my college applications and rested. Things I couldn’t do while having distractions around. My mum was right thus I must agree now that the quote “ Mother knows best” is true.

Other than that, I’ve managed to spend more time with my beloved sisters. I must say that yes, they are annoying at times but that's just because I didn’t know what was bothering them. They tolerable now. Nayli is an exception though, Her china-fied mind is too unreasonable at most times. XD

<—Face painting

Well, that is all for now. It is getting late and I have to wake up early and get them sisters ready for school tomorrow :D I am such a responsible person nowadays. Its an oddity to my surroundings, bad to few but perfect to the government.

Good nights!

Best friends and boy friends

I have come to the point of my life where i could care less about what other people say about me. They knew me in the past and what I am now is different.

 

I have also realised that there is no such thing as a best friend. The reason to that is all of them no matter how nice or what you have been through together will and shall betray you. Whether by spreading vicious rumours about you, stealing your crush or just plain ignores you, they will hurt you.

 

To concour with that, I find that there is also no such thing as a guy best friend for a girl. To this the logic is simple. No matter how tomboy-ish you are or how hard you try, you will never understand him because, he is just not going to be open to you the way you would like him to be. Other than that, as a rule, boys prefer boys. They have a “bro-code”. No matter how long you have know him and no matter what you have been through. The “bros in the Bro-code” comes first. The girl is known as a hoe. Like the saying, bros before hoes. Also, one of you might fall for the other (worst case scenario).

You might be wondering or even frustrated of how I am treating my friends at this moment or with this blog post but the thing is, I feel so alone right now that I do not care. Why would I? They don’t care about me when I am unhappy. It is only the happiness that they want me to share.

We are falling. Yet again..

 

Where did we go wrong? What crucial thing did I miss?

To be back at square one of my life.

Right there. Bored, mad, revolted, deprived, hurt, hopeless.

I’m starting to think that I can never have a family. Well… not really anyway. My mum, she shouts at everyone, its horrifying. I can not wait to leave this house. This prison of destitution where all chaos call home.

Honestly, what was I thinking? That going to a new school would change everything? BULLSHIT. Nothing has changed. The yelling, the screaming, the tears and the fear. Not only do they haunt me but, they refuse to leave. When one battle is over another one has just begun, but when will war start?

I seldom believe in myself and when I did, that belief was quickly ripped off of me. I need a motivator not a translator and not a deceiver. I need a genuine believer. If you have the full support of your family and your friends, do not waste it. For it is them who bring you up and it will be them to also keep you down. Cockiness is profoundly insolent.

I hardly think that my household is a suitable place to raise children. What with all the screaming and all emotional misery, we tend to lose hope and cheerfulness. I am lucky that I was born cruel, unfeeling and a daydreamer. At least I still have my imagination to keep me going.

Perhaps, we can never choose our path in life… Perhaps we can not exactly make the right choice. Unless we try our best, we will never know. Is your given best, really your best? Can you actually do your best? Can you reach that limit? Is it possible? Perhaps.

For now, I would like to thank God for my life and all the Blessings He has given me. For the shelter, Health, Wealth, Family and Friends.

Here, I guess, is to appreciating what you have even though they cause you physical, emotional or mental pain.

Goodnight.

Reality

As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:

Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.

Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.

My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.

I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.

I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.

 

See the picture above? ^

Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.

 

My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.<--- I’m still stuck here.

My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.

I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.

It is just frustrating