I want to write about you so much.
But I really cannot find the words.
To describe how amazing you are,
have always been
and will always be.
I want to describe him. I want to tell myself how I have always felt about him. I can’t. You will know soon dear reader. You will :)
I will share this over-whelming happiness.
I have come to the point of my life where i could care less about what other people say about me. They knew me in the past and what I am now is different.
I have also realised that there is no such thing as a best friend. The reason to that is all of them no matter how nice or what you have been through together will and shall betray you. Whether by spreading vicious rumours about you, stealing your crush or just plain ignores you, they will hurt you.
To concour with that, I find that there is also no such thing as a guy best friend for a girl. To this the logic is simple. No matter how tomboy-ish you are or how hard you try, you will never understand him because, he is just not going to be open to you the way you would like him to be. Other than that, as a rule, boys prefer boys. They have a “bro-code”. No matter how long you have know him and no matter what you have been through. The “bros in the Bro-code” comes first. The girl is known as a hoe. Like the saying, bros before hoes. Also, one of you might fall for the other (worst case scenario).
You might be wondering or even frustrated of how I am treating my friends at this moment or with this blog post but the thing is, I feel so alone right now that I do not care. Why would I? They don’t care about me when I am unhappy. It is only the happiness that they want me to share.
Do you know me? I bet you do not. Most people only think they know their friends and or family. Truth is you only know what those individuals want you to know.
You do not know me. Nobody does. I do not understand it myself but I can make a wild attempt at trying to explain it.
You see, I am and have always been a fickle minded person.
I am a Scorpio. My emotions are intense.
What I want and what I need are two very different things. When I say I need something, I really mean I want. When I say I want something does not necessarily mean I need it. I do not know what I need yet, I do know. I perhaps, just refuse to acknowledge it.
I walk my road not exactly alone but lonely.
In a snap , I can tell you my lifes’ story without crying. I am all out of tears on that topic, BUT if you ask me more and more intricately. I just might shed tears. Everyone is acquainted with me but nobody knows everything about me. Nobody, mark my word for it.
I lie to myself. So, even I do not know myself.
The things I do no matter how weird, odd, eccentric, cheery, loud or ominous are just another mask and habit I have. I do not fancy letting people feel the way I do. Lonely, betrayed and invaded.
I like to entertain.
You could say that, I am like a clown. All smiles but when you remove the makeup, you see wrinkles, worries, frowns, regrets, despair. Runaway brides are very pitiful but not as pitiful as runaway grooms. Poor unsuspecting bride to be :(
Yes, I am a Hypocrite.
Deal with it. I had to deal with my fathers’ hypocritical state. So , you will deal with mine.
I' have had enough of writing today.
All emotional because of my 89% for SPM English Trial Exam. Sucks to be me. No worries, I WILL MEMORISE THE WHOLE BLOODY THESAURUS OR DIE TRYING.
As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:
Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.
Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.
My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.
I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.
I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.
See the picture above? ^
Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.
My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.
My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.
I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.
It is just frustrating
