Black–listed

Do you know me? I bet you do not. Most people only think they know their friends and or family. Truth is you only know what those individuals want you to know.

You do not know me. Nobody does. I do not understand it myself but I can make a wild attempt at trying to explain it.

You see, I am and have always been a fickle minded person.

I am a Scorpio. My emotions are intense.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.  When I say I need something, I really mean I want. When I say I want something does not necessarily mean I need it. I do not know what I need yet, I do know. I perhaps, just refuse to acknowledge it.

I walk my road not exactly alone but lonely.

In a snap , I can tell you my lifes’ story without crying. I am all out of tears on that topic, BUT if you ask me more and more intricately. I just might shed tears. Everyone is acquainted with me but nobody knows everything about me. Nobody, mark my word for it.

I lie to myself. So, even I do not know myself.

The things I do no matter how weird, odd, eccentric, cheery, loud or ominous are just another mask and habit I have. I do not fancy letting people feel the way I do. Lonely, betrayed and invaded.

I like to entertain.

You could say that, I am like a clown. All smiles but when you remove the makeup, you see wrinkles, worries, frowns, regrets, despair. Runaway brides are very pitiful but not as pitiful as runaway grooms.  Poor unsuspecting bride to be :(

 

Yes, I am a Hypocrite.

Deal with it. I had to deal with my fathers’ hypocritical state. So , you will deal with mine.

I' have had enough of writing today.

All emotional because of my 89% for SPM English Trial Exam. Sucks to be me. No worries, I WILL MEMORISE THE WHOLE BLOODY THESAURUS OR DIE TRYING.

Lately

Tired, even when asleep; I no longer find solace in sleep.

                               -Megat Othman Denney-

Some of you might wonder why I quote this particular guys’ words a lot. Thing is I can relate to his words. Be it taken from somewhere or his own.

I have not been sleeping easily lately. I have been having nightmares. The most odd nightmares would be about the virgin Mary, losing half a tooth and being buried alive.

You should know by now that i neither see the glass half filled or half empty.

I do not exactly like having dreams like these. They make me feel down-hearted and trodden all over. They make me , aside from my already conflagrant nature, really grumpy and unsociable. I keep quite and have a stare contest with any willing victim. For example : Farah Nadhirah. I just stared at her straight for 15 minutes before our Physics exam started.

Some, call it insomnia but the proper definition of insomnia is difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep. I do stay asleep. I just wakeup feeling unrested. Hence , the quote.

In the darkness, I awaken,

Crying at my thoughts ; forsaken,

What now? What then? What’s more?

Torturing me to my core.

                    -Hayani-

 

Perhaps, these dreams will stop soon. If they do not, I might just go insane.

Guilty Pleasures = Friends

So how was your Eid Mubarak everyone? Mine was voluptuous ;) HAHA. Get my fling?

Okay I think I’m done being lame.

So I went to THREE awesome humans open house this year.

First, Hadi Iskandar.

Truth be told, I did not exactly know him personally but i was one of only three girls he invited. So, due to the over-whelming feeling I had, I went and had a blast!

I was actually the first one to come ON TIME. Like 12 pm sharp i was at his gate tau. So cool of me XD HADI HAD REALLY GOOD TASTING RAINBOW CAKE! I wanted to ask him about what cake it was tapi malu laa XD

I officially met his girlfriend too <3 Teehee. They look good together :)

Second, Matiin Rahman aka The Great PEDOBEAR!

So, after Hadi’s house Arshad, Adam and I hopped into Arshad and I’s karate masters’ car and headed to Matiins’ (matt) house. Inevitably as usual, we got lost. Why? BECAUSE WE DIDN’T HAVE HIS ADDRESS AND ADAM FORGOT WHERE MATTS HOUSE WAS. YAY!

So Sensei dropped us off at Sri Aman Girl School and we walked from there with directions from Ali Redha , who was on a motorbike.

Susah nak pergi rumah Matt. Tapi it was worth it. I had a blast. Half of the Bombastics were there! We talked and talked and talked and gossip a bit then talked some more. All that time, Nik, who sat next to me was blabbering about Nasi Dagang. He talked about Nasi Dagang for about 3 hours –.-“ Haih gotta love him.

We then walked to the KK Mart across the road from Matts’ house to grab a popsicle, thats when Yasmin and Ariff’s mother came. I tagged along and their mother sent me home. The comic thing is that, Arshad came too, he didn’t actually know them XD We sent him home anyways . HAHA

The third would be Ali Redha Azizans’ !

The invite to this open house was also an unexpected one. Well, He invited me at Matiins open house which was a day before his open house. Very last minute. Very male :D

I have got to admit that his open house is a very memorable one for me. I went around 6pm. Guess what we did?!

WE PLAYED SCRABBLE TWICE

Lepas tu kan.. kita makan makan makanan yang teramat sedap. His mothers’ Lasagna , Cream puff, Orange + Ginger ale drink and Chicken puff <3 . Oh and a dish with broccoli in it. I forgot the name. XD Hayani ate a lot tapi berat tak naik pun :D

After that we played… Ali’s X-Box.

WEIH PELIK TAU LARI HURDLES SETEMPAT. TENGOK ALI LARI SETEMPAT PUN LAWAK GILA DOWH

Yeah. I have never seen an X-box before. So I jakun lah kan XD Lepas tu, We watched Austin Powers HAHA. Nak tau tak pukul berapa I balik? HAHA Pukul 9.30pm tau. Hayani sangat cool (Y) –.-“

So those are the open houses I went too so far :D If I go to anymore I’ll be sure post a tribute to it, but for now,

Tata.

An original song.

It is supposed to be heavy on the bass with some Arabic and dark features here and there. Let the melody be Muse inspired for in this writers head , it sounds like Muse. Alert me if you have a melody!

   Someday perhaps one day.

I would like to start a revolution,

to let the cynics be left in destitution

Let them bleed tears of regret

They whom said our world ; incorrect.

 

Let them suffer as they made us,

Let them see the mess they have made,

Let them see the deaths that they have caused,

Let them feel the pang of our loss.

Toss them, chop them, churn them,

Kill them.

 

Change the world and make it kind,

Make the change,

You will shine ~

Break the barriers of humankind,

Let the cynics be left behind.

 

The world is very much divine,

Though they will disagree,

But it is fine,

I’ll take the world and make it mine.

 

Let them suffer as they made us,

Let them see the mess they have made,

Let them see the deaths that they have caused,

Let them feel the pang of our loss.

Toss them, chop them, churn them,

Kill them.

 

In the end, let them see,

The better world without their sneers,

In the end, let them know,

That for them the time is near.

 

Give up, give up , give up.

Make them listen.

That their end is near.

 

Written by Hayani

Copy-righted by deviantart

Rivers

She had poetry in her eyes, stunning and conflagrant in so many manners. Resplendent daydreams spilled from her mouth, aesthetically winding in the air and shaping her lips into a radiant beam. Her name was Lisa. Her very being, made me feel more than slight disdain at myself. She was almost perfect. She was my best friend.

Now Lisa was a queer adolescent. When everyone was busy gossiping she would have already known the whole story, when everyone was wearing miniskirts, she had already passed that phase of her life and moved on to pretty short dresses with boots. She was the type of girl you would find wandering in the forest, acting as if nothing was wrong with the world. She was wrong! Everything was wrong with the world. She said, “Adam, let me tell you that on earth nature is the kindest.” From there, she went on and on about how still rivers run deep and the magic in every bird’s voice. She trusted nature. Now, I am lying here, next to the water where I last saw her, writing my woes because of her. Because of Lisa…

“Hey Adam! You’re going to Mount Kinahua right?” She asked me exactly two years, three months and 13 days ago. She was wearing her bright red boots that everyone hated, but made her toes feel nice and tingly. How could I have said no? Her beautiful smile had me breathless. I loved her then and I still love her now. Truth is my father drowned in a river at the same mountain we were going too.

We boarded the school bus and started our journey to the perilous Mount Kinahua. Lisa chattered the whole way while I just listened. I loved listening to her talk. Her voice sounded like Sunday morning chimes mixed with the suns bright grandeur and a touch of midnight’s loneliness. Four hours into the journey, we stopped to stretch our legs and to grab a bite to eat. Just like a movie, we abruptly stopped at a majestic waterfall. Her eagerness over-ruled my nonchalance at the ear splitting sound of the waterfalls’ water crashing unto the sharp-edged stones below it. Lisa was irritating. However, someone somewhere once said that irritation meant love.

Her free spirit led us to explore the forest around the waterfall and the river it originated. We remembered our hunger as we were spying on spawning frogs. Being the dominant teen that she was, she ordered me to get our food from the school bus. As usual, I reluctantly did.

“ Adam! Go get our food! Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. They’re just frogs in a river bedded with sand. Honestly, people would think that you’re my mother in disguise fretting over me like that!”

“But Lisa… I just don’t want you to get hurt. Why not we go together?”

“Are you afraid of walking in the forest in broad daylight alone, Adam? Just trust Nature, She’ll protect you.”

“I am not afraid! I worry about you, Lisa, you’re too carefree. Promise me you will stay right here. No climbing trees or chasing after any sort of animal. Alright?”

“Yes, yes. Just go get our food will you, silly Adam?”

Some things are too good to be true to last.

I, quite literally sprinted to the bus to get our food. As I was just about to leave the bus, it happened.

A loud shriek and then nothing.

I dropped the food and dashed towards the opening I left Lisa. She was not there! I panicked. Where was she? Could she have fallen off a tree? NO, she was nowhere to be seen on the ground. She could not have been dragged by the water, the river was too still. Still river? That was when it hit me! Lisa could have drowned. By that time the whole bus had gathered at the opening. Everyone was searching for Lisa. We searched for more than 2 hours.

Everyone was about to give up when I saw a little bit of yellow and pink in the water. It turned out to be one of Lisa’s hair beads. Images of her soft curly blonde hair and gentle but vibrant eyes came to my mind. Lisa was in the water somewhere. Myren was the first one to react, he traced the bead to some sort of yellow weed in the river but I knew better. That so-called yellow weed had pink highlights just like Lisa’s hair. We dug her up then realised that a few meters from us, the riverbed was a lot deeper and a part of it had collapsed. As I carried her lifeless body to the riverbank, the birds were singing a very melancholy tune.

Lisa had trusted nature, she had loved still rivers and she had adored the bird’s tune. Now, nature had eaten her up whole and the birds were singing, perhaps singing their morbid song.

She is dead. She is gone. Taken by the very thing she had trusted and loved most.

Now as I walk to the edge of the waterfall on this very clear summer day. I say I am not worthy of this world any longer. I say that nature was not worthy of your love, Lisa my dearest.

The sun is high.

Dearest Lisa,

Under every cut - throat sun, I will love you forever and only you, only the distant you will ever know my song, for the ebb and flow of what you know, is everything that I am. Without you, I do not want to live in this gruesome and untrustworthy world. May I see you in the after world, my Lisa, my angel, my only…

We are falling. Yet again..

 

Where did we go wrong? What crucial thing did I miss?

To be back at square one of my life.

Right there. Bored, mad, revolted, deprived, hurt, hopeless.

I’m starting to think that I can never have a family. Well… not really anyway. My mum, she shouts at everyone, its horrifying. I can not wait to leave this house. This prison of destitution where all chaos call home.

Honestly, what was I thinking? That going to a new school would change everything? BULLSHIT. Nothing has changed. The yelling, the screaming, the tears and the fear. Not only do they haunt me but, they refuse to leave. When one battle is over another one has just begun, but when will war start?

I seldom believe in myself and when I did, that belief was quickly ripped off of me. I need a motivator not a translator and not a deceiver. I need a genuine believer. If you have the full support of your family and your friends, do not waste it. For it is them who bring you up and it will be them to also keep you down. Cockiness is profoundly insolent.

I hardly think that my household is a suitable place to raise children. What with all the screaming and all emotional misery, we tend to lose hope and cheerfulness. I am lucky that I was born cruel, unfeeling and a daydreamer. At least I still have my imagination to keep me going.

Perhaps, we can never choose our path in life… Perhaps we can not exactly make the right choice. Unless we try our best, we will never know. Is your given best, really your best? Can you actually do your best? Can you reach that limit? Is it possible? Perhaps.

For now, I would like to thank God for my life and all the Blessings He has given me. For the shelter, Health, Wealth, Family and Friends.

Here, I guess, is to appreciating what you have even though they cause you physical, emotional or mental pain.

Goodnight.

Reality

As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:

Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.

Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.

My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.

I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.

I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.

 

See the picture above? ^

Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.

 

My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.<--- I’m still stuck here.

My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.

I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.

It is just frustrating