Worries :O

Lately, I’ve been worried about many things.

For example like the upcoming Musical Production that I am directing. We had an audition on monday and I must say , very , very few Sri Amanians can act.

Other than that there’s also quite a few people who worry me. I mean I’m not their mother or what but I do care for them.

Muhammad Azim ‘Carrots’

He worries me. Like what if suddenly he runs again and his phone battery is dead and i can’t pick him up. Or if I’m not around. DUDE, I can go nuts. But whatever lah. He’s a dude, he can take care of himself right? –.- I just hope he doesn’t get kidnapped, gang raped or hurt in any way possible.

Adline Anissha Joachim

She worries me like hell. She’s extremely emo. I mean I was like that but not to the point of thinking to electrocute myself. Cutting is normal. Other than that, she doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep. Morning, pergi main Football then do olahraga. Can die actually. I feel like shaking her and scream ‘ WAKE UP! THERES THE WORLD TO SEE! TREES TO CLIMB ! MOUNTAINS TO CONQURE! WE PROMISED WE’D GO BUNGEE JUMPING TOGETHER REMEMBER??!’ Yeah, i might just do that soon, then I’ll hug her. *worries*

Muhd. Danial ‘Dano’ Akmal

This is a different worry. I love this guy. He’s my REALLY GOOD AND CLOSE friend. He has taught me so much. Rescued me from many attempts at suicide. Now I fear that we’re drifting. I fear that I’ll lose him as a friend. I don’t want that. I need him. He’s my Jerry, barney (Stinson), He’s my Bino Bambeeno. Dude, he gave me LIFE. Literally. He doesn’t talk to me anymore. Doesn’t asks me to chill out with him. He just goes to the others. I feel so deserted. Like a cactus. I miss him terribly. I miss talking to him. I miss running from him for fear he might grope me. I MISS DANO.

I also worry about myself. I usually find myself so weak and tired. no spirits. No laughter. No smiles. Nothing. I just stare into space. When I wake , i usually find myself crying or aching all over. I wear my mask so easily. Like my classmate says, I belong in the drama club. I have no mood to study. No enthusiasm. No curiosity. I feel so plain. I want to sleep but I can’t. I can’t taste food. I just put the food in my mouth and swallow because i don’t want my mum to notice. I feel sad and lonely.

Go on, say it. “ You’re not alone, I’m here!” hey, thats not what I meant. I am NOT alone. I’m just lonely. And I feel like I’ve no intention in life. I don’t know what to do, to be, to see, and to feel. I need guidance but no one has the time to give that to me.

I need an adrenaline rush.

Poetry

I find that I’ve been writing poetry again. The reason behind this might be because I’ve something to write about.

What is it? Well, my break up –____-“ and a few other boys who I am really fed up with.

There’s a wimp called Ihsan (who is actually a friend of mine) well, he says everything in his life is bad. Thing is everything he goes through, i went through it too. I’m just tired of him feeling too much. Dude, stop. Just stop. Feel the moment. Feel the vibration of all the air molecules and sound waves EVERYTHING. Just stop and enjoy the detailed world. There’s more to life than anime and self – pity.

Then there’s my ex. He goes on and on and on about how his new girlfriend is so great (yes, the same girl he cheated on me with) but then he still complains about how tough everything is and how he doesn’t have time. HEY LOSER, you’re in college! You’ve all the time in the world. You only have to study TWO subjects and your homework is so minimal you can finish it in 10 minutes! Just pay attention in class you moron.

Also there’s Anna. Gosh i love that woman. I wrote a poem about her and how innocent and romantic she is. I will never show it to her though, She’ll blush like mad and will start yelling at me cause i remind her too much of her crush –.- Strange . Well, lets just say that she clicks well with very WEIRD people like.. oh i don’t know.. ME.

Lastly, The landlady, Yeap, the very character I played for SHORTS! I wrote , for the first time, an erotic poem. About an older person admiring a teenager. I KNOW ITS TERRIBLE. What kind of sick person would write about that right? Well…… XD

Should I post my poetry ?

Half-time

So, lately I’ve been thinking about my sexuality.

I confess to you (myself) that I am blatantly not a straight woman. Nay, I am the ever-so controversial bisexual. My best friend is a guy. I think he’s disgusting. Odd? I don’t think so. You see, I saw his face everyday for one whole week, slept nest to him at Cameron Highlands, watched star wars with him and watched men gymnastics when we were supposed to watch football. GAY EH?

Point here is, that I think what I’m doing is wrong. I shouldn’t be bisexual. I should be straight. I can get boys. Its not exactly a problem –.-“ But then I think… I can get girls too. The situation is awkward. I’m in a girl school.

I think I’m influenced by Dano. AAHAHA funny? no. He looks at women and their assets. I turn bi again because i started to re-appreciate women beauty.

NO. I don’t see my beauty. I contradict people when they say I’m easy on the eyes. No. Stop lying.

ANYWAYS. I’m bisexual. I like a girl. I also like a boy. Please understand my deviation. I’m human too.

Goodnight (:

Oblivion

A wise man once said that a hypocrite is the person judging. we judged. Our love is a platonic one.

How apathetic you looked when i first met you. How blur and eccentric. For a person who used a math book to write English essays, you were incredibly witty when it came to jokes and mathematics. oh, ostentatious I thought you were. Definitely to stay away from. Definitely trouble and angst.

Fate said otherwise though, the minute we started talking, we couldn’t stop. Soon enough, after every tuition class we’d spend time talking to each other outside while waiting for our ride home. Soon enough we became really good friends.

I’m not so sure how you became my best friend darl, but I know how we got close It was on msn XD then my raya open house. We click so well. But I guess, what made us best friends was the week that I SAW YOUR UGLY FACE EVERY BLOODY DAY and that was my birthday week (: You planned a surprise party for me. haiiihhh. It made my world . It really did . I’m not lying, bitch.

In conjunction to that there’s also new years.Gosh I remember how pathetic you were. You called to say that you ran away from home. That was so close to midnight. I was all the way in ipoh attending a wedding. I was so worried and as they say, what you do during new years eve till new years day , that’s what you’ll be doing the whole year. I find that statement so true because YOU BLOODY WELL KNOW HOW TO WORRY ME ALL THE TIME, BEST FRIEND.

Then , there was also your ex – girlfriend and my ex – boyfriend. I hated her. You had a bad feeling about him. We never told each other until it was over. Now what we learned was always tell each other cause WE BOTH HAVE GAY-MATERNAL INSTINCTS for each other <3 awwwww we’re so sweet , can die. If you’re reading this, please understand that I think my attachment to him was definitely deeper than yours to her. I guess mine was too full of passion and yours, ignorance. LETS TELL EACH OTHER NEXT TIME. NOW, i command you to love your current girlfriend because she’s the one i wanted you to be with all along ever since i introduced you people! OKAY?!

Other than that, there’s also 2 days in Cameron Highlands. Me with a sick heart and you with a cold XD haihhh, the sunrise that day was really pathetic. We didn’t get to see the sun at all ! XD But we did talk. A lot. Too much, too little. I don’t know. But I’d gladly do it again because of the trees i saw  

Hey best friend,

You really are different and an ass. Then again, that’s why we click so well. I’m different and an ass too , to you right? –.- Well, lets look out for each other eh?

You’re like family now. I can’t imagine living my life without you. You’re too BLEAH. I see orange and think of you. I EAT , DRINK AND BAKE carrots while smiling cause i know you’re hurting because you are carrots XD

Then, there’s always the YELLOW CURSE following us. I LOVE It. You want to damn it to hell. But hey, if i can take on carrots, you can take on yellow. We’re too cool like that XD

By the way, you are lame. I don’t know why you’re my best friend since you’re lame but you are LAME LAME LAME LAMEOOOO . You lame-nista, lame-uel, Lame-khan, LAME. Not forgetting about retarded. HAHA

Well, king of chemisery, I’m done here. Can’t believe i wasted my time writing about you. Fine maybe i shouldn’t reprove you of my writing. It is after all my time. Well, this just shows how lucky you are to have a tree.

byee~ (:

p.s : I love you best friend. Don’t you dare deform my yellow or trees. Your balls will lose all of its sperms and your sperm duct will cease to work. I am not joking

P.S.S : BARNEY STINSON FTW.

Matters of lust.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in love, fell out of love or never felt love. What matters is your own identity. Before you love someone, you have to love yourself. To give yourself away to a person means that you are confident that no matter what that person does to you, you will never lose your self respect. Nor will you ever stop loving your own self.

Don’t be fooled by the men around you. Especially teenage boys. All they want from girls is to quench their thirst for lust. They say ‘I Love You’ but they never mean it. These boys will do anything to get into your pants/skirts. Maybe not literally but they’ll just make you fall hard with touch and passionate kisses. You lust for them too. So don’t use your heart girls. Not until you’re 24 years old. Date? Go ahead. Just don’t fall in love. Its not real. Its just puppy/lustful love.

No warning Signs, No alibis.

He came and went like a hurricane. I thought he cared, I thought he had soul , I thought I had his heart. No, I was horribly wrong. I was unprepared for what awaited me. LOL

Form 5 is extremely stressful!

Sri Aman is stressful.

Form 5 IN Sri Aman = Mother of mofo-ing mofos, stressful (:

I ain’t complaining. I’m always stressed. It’s my way of life. XD

There’s a drama coming up! Its called SHORTS! I’m acting in it! :D

I’m acting in The Landlady as the landlady (: Awesome no?

Oh, by the way, I’m quite different from last time I think (: I’ve done things, the old me would never have had done. I’ve eaten! I’ve prayed, khatam my quran, did my homework, studied and many more! :D I feel more loved , acknowledged and appreciated (:

I inline now. Inline is extreme rollerblading :D I skate at mont Kiara, Taman Aman, Putrajaya and Shah Alam. I’ve skate friends too! They are Fathhie ( fatty) , Fakhrul and Harris (:

Fathhie and I are the best of friends, the calmest of lovers and the coolest of acquaintances. He’s 20 this year and is studying the Canadian Pre – University program at Sunway University College :D He plans on taking psychology when he’s done with that.

<-- This is the apek XD

He’s part Japanese or at least that’s what we think XD He’s really never-ending XD I can’t stop talking when he’s around. OH HE HAS A BANTAL BUSUK NAMED SAM :D I gave Sam his name, actually. HAHA Would I call it love or a piece of emotion/affection? HAHAHAHAHA We all know that I can’t love a human (; So, i don’t know . But right now, I miss him. A LOT.

I fell apart , but got back up again yeah..

Marcus Phillip Paul

 

Well, there is really nothing much to say about him. Except for the fact that he is one of the most important guy in my life right now XD!

Okay fine. He is my new Boyfriend :)

And yes, he is uhh, ‘cuss’ .

I really do like him. Kapish? Nuff said.
I know he is not much of a looker. I know that well. Thing is, He attracts me with his personality, care and overall as a person. :)

He makes me more focus on what I want in life ( He’s Intelligent ). He brings out the girl in me. I guess, What I’m trying to say is that he is good for me. He makes me think of all the endless possibilities the world has to offer.

He makes me really happy. (: You know it’s hard for me to be happy right? well, yeah. I am happy now. SO THERE.

He makes me love. I see the world in an entirely different manner. What used to be a picture of hopelessness is now just a fantasy. I can hope and dream and stay calm :)

He makes me feel beloved. Which I so desperately needed. I have great friends now. I am happier in Sri Aman. I feel as though i could be invincible when I’m talking to him. Nothing matters. It’s just us.