Reality

As I am typing this, I’ve exactly 116 days and 11 hours before SPM starts. Oh who cares. Its just my life, not yours (:

Though SPM is near and no matter how hard i try to conceal my worry for it, it is blatant that i do care and am worried about my fate. (c’mon i actually counted the hours) At my current state… I am not even fit to sit for a UPSR exam. I can hardly do any math.

Moreover, i am drifting away and i worry about myself. I feel alone. Yet again.

My brothers… i feel as though they’ve deserted me. I don’t blame them. I haven’t been much of a friend or a person in fact. I have been going against my own wishes. I do not have the mood to be happy. I feel quaint. That’s the word for it. Quaint.

I fear failure but yet, i feel as though i should not care for it and so, I do not. I don’t want to excel math or biology or chemistry or any other form of science. I just really want to be me.

I don’t exactly know who am I or what ‘me’ is, but i do have an idea of it. My outside is a warm, spunky and crazy nature. If you look beyond that, you might just find a troubled and mysterious teen. No worries, the angst is almost all gone.

 

See the picture above? ^

Well i am the second. Wanting to be free, yet something is holding me back. What is it? The expectation of my mother? My self pride? honour? WHAT? Perhaps… all of the above. Truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. whether to make my mum proud or myself happy.

 

My foes’ throw hoes’ to get me at my lowest. I knew moving to a new school would be hard. Who knew that settling in wasn’t the problem but getting others to settle with you is hard. I do have a gang of ‘Miss perfects’ hating me. What to do? They are so perfect, they can do and have whatever they want. Not in my point of view buddy. I have a good friend. They want my good friend to be with one of them. Well they can’t have my good friend. They’re creepy. Enough said. Seriously. C.R.E.E.P.Y. creepy.<--- I’m still stuck here.

My studies haven’t been going so well either. I just can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. I just want to daze and daydream. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I DON’T KNOW WHY. OKAY. I don’t want anything. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want anything. I guess, I am fed up with the world.

I really want to make my family proud of me but they treat me unequally which makes me just want to disappear, run away and or blow up at them. I’m mad at my family. I feel as though i don’t matter to them and that might very well be true. You see, I don’t really fit in with them. My stepfather is too young for me to respect. I absolutely detest his family. My mother, acts like I am invisible when she does not need me. When she does, she acts like I am so irresponsible. I mean, come on, I am a teenager. I took care of my sisters when she went to Spain and the first thing she did when she got back was yell at me.

It is just frustrating

Complaints of an Odd Child

The Production Team <3

Ritz Darwin aka my first Brother <3

Some random person

 

Sorry . I just thought my blog needed some pictures XD

My mums wedding is today so….

I was thinking. Is she had not met this guy she’s marrying then i would still probably have my dad. My sister would be way more disciplined and I wouldn’t be sobbing most of the time.

On the other hand, if she had not met this guy, my sisters won’t be so happy-go-lucky. They would also see the world in a different perspective. They would see the world how I see it. Bitter and cruel yet beautiful.

I miss my father. How can I not? He thought me the most important things I have in my life right now. The things that actually keeps me sane. But there was that issue of him wanting me dead. So I am in a way a confused and troubled teen?

I am dead serious. I do not show how I really feel most of the time and when I do, I pull my mask back on and hold my head high. Perhaps I am the problem to myself?

My Procrastination to solving this problem is getting way over board. I should really just Forget and look on the yellow side.

I cannot. I think too much.

Must get ready for the wedding now. Tata (:

A Post To YOU. The Perfect Girl.

Dear Perfect Girl,

My best friend has this tagline “forever alone”. I’d like him to delete this tagline and know and feel that he is loved. I love him but platonically. He needs YOU dear Perfect girl, to share things that he cannot even share with me. His best friend.

I’m tired of all his tries to find you. So, I’m here to let you know that if you’re out there, he is here. Now, perhaps that he has found you and you are just taking time to say yes to him.

Now, I’m not saying that you should get married to him or what but I think that you should at least ease his pain by giving him a chance and stop the waiting (;

I want him happy and I would like to see him happy with a person he loves. Who would love him back and be with him through thick and thin. I want him to shine. I want him to be more than content. I want him to be with you. I am ready to let him go whenever you are ready to take him.

So come.

Sincerely,
A worried friend.

Eruption

The question why.

“if the existence of complex entities in this world must be explained by appealing to the existence of an intelligent designer, then the existence of such an intelligent designer, it seems, must in turn be explained by appealing to the existence of another intelligent designer, and so on ad infinitum. In other words, God requires an explanation as well, so postulating the existence of a creator God to explain our world is merely taking things one step back. The design argument therefore fails. “

On the argument above i quoted Adam Collins. Why are we here?

Why are we made to suffer, love, feel, eat, drink, LIVE? why?

What is the purpose?

Think about it.

A cool article i want to share :D

6 Reasons Why Men Benefit From a Female Friend

Posted by Alexandra Carey on November 5, 2010, filed in: Dating Advice, Dating Tips

Many people believe that a real friendship between a man and a woman cannot exist, but I would argue quite the opposite.  For a woman, it is refreshing to have a platonic male companion.  She can get all the benefits of a boyfriend, but without the drama of a relationship.  If the man can get passed any sexual tension, he can seriously reap the benefits of her company.   It’s like baby steps towards a better man… Here’s hoping.

1. She offers perspective.

It’s no news that men are sometimes a little confused about women.  Why they’re mad, what it really means when they say “nothing”, or why they don’t seem impressed with the expensive takeout you brought home when you were supposed to take her to dinner.  She’ll give you insight to women’s’ “crazy” mind and hopefully help prevent any confusion in your future.

2. She has hot friends for you.

She can talk you up to our hot, single girlfriends.   She can tell them how you’re so sweet, how much success you’ve had in your career and what a catch you are.  All you have to do is show up, the work is already done because she can have her friends curious about you.  She can also be the ultimate wingman and introduce you to new women, saying all the right things and only picking out the hottest ones.

3. She will tell you straight up.

I think when men spend too much time with other men, they risk the slight chance of  forgetting what is always morally sound.  That’s where the female friend comes in.  She will have no problem treating you like a son at this very moment, so slapping you on the back of your head and calling you an idiot usually does the trick.  She can also give her opinions on the girls you’re dating or trying to date.  She will help you understand why the stripper with the huge boobs and perfect ass is not marriage material.

4. She can help you communicate.

Women communicate much better than men, its just a fact.  Women are in tune with their emotions, they talk things out and open up to one another.   When you’re around a girl that’s only a friend, you can open up and (gulp) be sensitive around her.  You even feel comfortable (double gulp) discussing your feelings without the judgment you would get from your buddies.  Just imagine her as practice for the real thing… (triple gulp) intimacy.

5. She makes you look attractive to other women.

When a man has girls as good friends, it shows that they are capable of having friendships with women that are not based on sex.  Sure, sometimes men might think about it, but the fact that they don’t act on it says a lot about him and what he finds important.  As long as your new girl is not insecure, she will appreciate your platonic female BFF.

6. You‘ll always have a date for an event.

Most of the time, a man wants a date to couple’s events like a dinner party or a wedding.  This is where having a girl that’s just a friend comes in handy.  She can fill that void for you without you having to worry about her wondering “where this is going” and if its getting serious.  She’ll just be your hot arm candy for the night, giving you a drinking buddy and a dance partner with no strings attached.

---

Blink

In just a blink, my lifes’ gone by,

A lil’ bit faster than a teenage lie,

Too fast , too slow , too little flow,

Too much, too little, too fast we go.

 

Love and trust and pixie dust,

Our imaginations are left to rust,

Faster cars and legitimate scars,

War; Even under the stars.

 

Knives, Whips, Chains and Blades,

Everything becomes a haze,

In just a blink; Life is gone.

We all start being forlorn.

 

Amethyst green & sapphire blue,

Start asking what is true,

What is reality and what is fantasy?

In the end, nothing is new.

         

26/4/11 Written during math .

 

I AM SO COOL!

Okay back to life :p

Currently experiencing midterms. They are such a bore. Questions after questions. Some say that they are hard. But i don’t feel anything. They’re just questions. I’m not going to let questions that has already been answered by some scientist bother me. Its already out there. Why do you need to answer it? XD

Just sleep. Its better for your health! :D

 

Wanted : The Wanted <3

My taste in music is odd and depends on my mood buuuut these boys caught my eye, ears, HEART. They’re cute I love their accent.

The Bald one reminds me of my step dad XD BALD BRONZE AND BUFF. My mums type (:

Hayani likes Nathan because of his hair cut! I’m going to cut my hair like that!

Hell Yeah!